


Never Enough

by nothingisreal



Series: A Million Love Songs [1]
Category: Motorsport RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-24
Updated: 2017-12-24
Packaged: 2019-02-19 15:21:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13126440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nothingisreal/pseuds/nothingisreal
Summary: Callum can be very good at suppressing his feelings when he puts his mind to it.





	Never Enough

**Author's Note:**

> No beta, English isn't my first language

Callum can be very good at suppressing his feelings when he puts his mind to it. He doesn’t like it and he doesn’t do it often but sometimes he just has to. For the sake of everyone involved or for the sake of his own sanity or for the sake of something else he desperately wants. Or maybe just because he knows that those feelings are only going to distract him and he’s better off distancing himself. Possibly some mix of all of those.

So that’s what he does after he’s first introduced to Maxi as his new teammate. Mick’s face is lit up like it usually is when he’s talking about something wonderful that he just can’t wait to share with the rest of the world. This is probably the first time Callum’s seen that look when Mick talks about a person though. But he thinks he kind of gets it. It’s probably not the reason why Mick likes him so much but Callum has thought for a long time that Maxi’s a very good looking guy. He’s always known that he’s a great driver but has also been a bit intimidated by him. When they become teammates, which means they spend more time with each other, he starts wondering if maybe the reason why he’s felt nervous around Maxi is because he has a minor crush on the German.

But Maxi’s a good friend. At first Callum feels a bit unsure where he stands but Maxi’s such a nice guy and he knows exactly how to put Callum at ease - or maybe he does it unwittingly, it doesn’t really matter. The important thing is he can get Callum to relax enough that they can become quite good friends. Nowhere near as close as Maxi and Mick appear to be but that’s okay. Callum knows Mick. Unbeknown to Mick he becomes a neutral ground. He’s familiar and safe and Callum feels comfortable around him so that way he can hang out with Maxi without stumbling over his words every five seconds and making a huge fool of himself.

That’s how it starts. And then one day Callum realises that he can hang out with Maxi on his own, without Mick around, because somehow they’ve become almost friends. Maxi doesn’t make Callum nervous anymore. Quite the opposite, actually. He’s always so cool and calm that just being in his immediate vicinity makes Callum feel better.

So whatever silly little crush he might have had at the beginning is gone if it was ever there to begin with. After all admiring someone doesn’t mean you have a crush on them. Callum was just being silly.

 

***

 

The walls in the hotel are paper thin, like in any other hotel, and Callum finds himself cursing whoever decided to build them this way. He can hear _everything_. It’s midnight, he should be up early tomorrow - they both should be - but he’s stuck staring at the ceiling with his eyes wide open, trying to pretend he’s not trying to catch every sound from the next room. From Maxi’s room.

The plan was to just go to sleep. But Maxi’s talking to someone (on the phone?) and Callum can’t understand shit from what’s being said, what with his German being passable at best, but Maxi’s voice is soothing in the way that probably should make Callum sleepy but instead it just makes his mind wander. He isn’t thinking about anything in particular. Just recalling some small memories he’s collected since he got to know Maxi. Like how his whole face lights up each time he’s on the top step or how he lets Callum choose what they’ll be doing each time they hang out, always lets him pick the movie they’ll watch next or how his eyes glimmer when he smiles…

And then he can hear running water and his mind is still wandering but it’s more like half-dreams by now, Callum well on his way to falling asleep. His thoughts come to a screeching halt when he realises he’s imaging Maxi _right now_ in that fucking shower and he’s never thought about it before but now that he has he _can’t stop_. It’s wrong! Maxi’s his friend for fuck’s sake! Callum shouldn’t be lying in his bed, picturing the water running down Maxi’s chest and stomach and what the fuck is wrong with him today?!

It’s a nice thought, he has to admit. He’s always found Maxi attractive - tall and broad in all the right places and Callum could get lost in his eyes, has already on numerous occasions, suddenly realising he doesn’t know what Maxi’s saying because he’s thinking about the way his eyes sparkle or the way his lips move when he speaks. But he’s never gone this far, imaging him naked and maybe more than that but he refuses to go there. Not even when he thought he had a crush on him.

The water stops and Callum breathes a sigh of relief. He would go to sleep now, he _should_ , but he’s wide awake. Not to mention afraid to close his eyes because he might start _seeing_ things he shouldn’t be and that wouldn’t end well. He’s been able not to think these things for months, he was so sure that he was over it. And now here he is, except even worse than before because the worst he imagined then was Maxi and him cuddling or maybe kissing. And now his mind is flooded with images that are anything but innocent. Callum didn’t even think he was capable of thinking such things. Not about a guy. Certainly not about a guy who’s his friend.

He hears springs creaking and it makes him realise that his bed is sharing the wall with Maxi’s and okay, he can handle that. They’ve shared rooms before and Callum’s minor sexuality crisis could be written off as exhaustion - it’s normal to think rubbish at this hour. He’s got this.

He thinks he’s calmed down enough to close his eyes without seeing anything too obscene when there’s shuffling on the other side of the wall as Maxi goes to open the door and then voices and Callum’s slowly giving up on what little hope he has left of going to sleep anytime soon.

“Ich konnte nicht einschlafen.”

Callum recognises the voice as Mick’s. There’s the sound of bedsprings creaking again. Callum’s trying to imagine what’s happening in the other room, wonders who’s sat down on the bed and what Mick is doing in Maxi’s room at this hour and whether there’s enough coffee in the world to keep him awake the whole day tomorrow.

“Und mir ist so scheißkalt.” Mick says and Maxi makes a humming noise.

“Komm her.” Maxi’s voice is very close and then there are steps and the sound of something falling onto the floor (shoes? at least that’s what it sounds like to Callum and Mick has a habit of kicking off his shoes which is really annoying when you have to share a room with him and he comes back late and just forgets to be quiet) and then the bed creaking again, the sounds of shuffling, moving around to get comfortable.

Mick moans quietly and Callum’s heart stops. “Du bist wie ‘ne Heizung.”

Callum doesn’t know what he’s thinking, it’s like he’s lost all the control over his mind but the images in his head are disturbing and he doesn’t want to be seeing them. He doesn’t think that Maxi and Mick… it’s stupid, they wouldn’t, _ever_. Callum knows that logically but he’s tired and maybe a bit upset so he can’t help the jealousy squeezing at his heart.

Maxi laughs and it makes Callum feel a bit warmer even though he’s still breathing shallowly, glued in place. “Danke, Mick.”

“Ist doch wahr. War ‘n Kompliment.”

Maxi lowers his voice but Callum can still hear him. Not that Maxi's aware of anyone eavesdropping on them. “Alles klar?”

Mick hums and then there’s some more shuffling. Callum can hear Mick giggling as Maxi shushes him half-heartedly.

Callum tries very hard not to imagine himself in Mick’s place. Or at least what he believes to be Mick’s place, he can’t be sure. But he’s also aware that it probably won’t happen. Not now, not ever. He doesn’t know if he even really wants it to happen. At this time it’s normal to think stupid things that aren’t true.

There’s more laughter in the room next to his and Callum bites at the inside of his cheek.

“Hab’ ich dir schon gesagt, dass du sehr bequem bist?”

“Hey!” Maxi’s mock-outraged exclamation is followed by the sound of Mick’s laughter, a bit more high-pitched than it usually is, and much more breathless.

“Hör auf! Ich bin kitzlig!”

Callum doesn’t want to hear anymore. As quietly as he can, he retrieves the earphones from his backpack and plugs them into his phone. He falls asleep to the sound of shitty pop songs which are bad enough to distract him and loud enough for him not to hear anything else.

 

***

 

He can’t help but watch Mick and Maxi a bit more closely the next day - maybe a bit too closely.

“Why are you being creepy?” Maxi asks him, no preamble, when they’re finishing up their lunch. Well, Callum is finishing up his lunch, Maxi has been just sitting there and staring at him for good five minutes.

Callum almost chokes as he glares at Maxi with wide eyes. “I’m not being creepy!” He says a bit too quickly and high-pitched.

Maxi just raises an eyebrow and crosses his arms with a small, knowing smile. Callum is already squaring his shoulders, preparing for the uncomfortable conversation he’s about to have. He isn’t quite sure where it’s going to go but wherever it is, it will be awkward as hell.

“Okay, if you say so. Finished?” He nods at Callum’s plate.

Callum blinks at him, his mouth open. He’s waiting for Maxi to laugh and pick up their earlier conversation (was it even a conversation?!) where they left off. Then he realises that Maxi’s… well, _Maxi_ … and he would never dream of prying into things Callum doesn’t want to tell him. It should be a relief but somehow Callum’s heart feels even heavier.

In the evening he convinces Jo to switch rooms with him.

 

***

 

Maxi reaches out on instinct, his fingers hovering over Callum’s cheek, but then he catches himself and pulls them back. Callum doesn’t fail to notice the way his hands clench into fists at his sides even though his face remains mostly impassive.

“Are you okay?”

It should be a stupid question, how can anyone be okay after just being punched for no apparent reason, but Callum just shrugs. There’s dull throbbing in several parts of his face but nothing’s broken and he’s just a bit bruised. “I guess.”

“Arschloch…” Maxi mutters to himself angrily. “Der…” He breaks off, shaking his head. When he looks at Callum again, he’s smiling and his muscles aren’t stiff anymore. Which is good news, for a second Callum was afraid Maxi would go and beat Mazepin up and what good would that do any of them? Well, it might give Callum some satisfaction - firstly, because it’d mean Maxi cares a lot and secondly, because Mazepin would get what he’s deserved - but that’s beside the point. Callum’s fine with just forgetting the day has ever happened and never speaking to Mazepin again. He’s even happier with the knowledge that it got a rise out of Maxi.

“Do you want me to go or…?” Maxi trails off, a small blush on his cheeks.

“You can stay,” Callum says quickly. “I mean… if you have nothing better to do.”

They’re acting like two fifteen-year-olds, flustered and awkward and Callum can explain this phenomenon in himself quite easily but seeing Maxi like this because of him makes Callum’s heart speed up.

This is easily one of the most awkward but at the same time the best evenings in Callum’s life. Maxi’s treating him like he’s made of glass and there’s tension in the air because Callum can’t help _thinking_ things when Maxi’s being so gentle with him. Callum falls asleep on Maxi’s shoulder before he’s even aware of being sleepy. Apparently, Maxi doesn’t mind since he’s still there when Callum wakes up the next morning, arm wrapped around Callum’s waist protectively, hand heavy on Callum’s hip.

 

***

 

Maxi’s tongue is in Callum’s mouth and his hand is in Callum’s jeans and they haven’t even locked the door behind themselves yet. This is crazy and wrong and there are so many ways this could end in a disaster. But Callum just can’t bring himself to stop.

There’s some cake on Maxi’s clothes and his lips have a faintly sweet taste - or at least they did when they first kissed - and his skin is sticky from the champagne that Mick has sprayed on him, laughing loudly and then running away before Maxi could catch him.

Callum’s surprised when Maxi grabs his wrist when Callum’s on his way to his room. He doesn’t really feel like joining in with the celebrations, he’s tired and sick of everything and just wanted to lie down but he’s expecting Maxi to be having fun either way.

“You won’t stay?” Maxi asks, head cocked to the side.

Callum bites his lip, looks at something over Maxi’s shoulder just to avoid his eyes. “Nah, I’m not feeling too good.”

Maxi’s tongue swipes over his bottom lip, Callum catches the movement out of the corner of his eye and then he can’t help staring at Maxi’s mouth. Maxi’s lips part and when Callum looks up he can see the realisation downing in his eyes. “ _Oh…_ ”

Callum tries to free himself but his struggling only makes Maxi’s grip on his wrist tighten. And then Maxi’s lips are pressing against his own and Callum thinks he must have gone mad, because this can’t be happening.

Maxi breaks the kiss quickly - it wasn’t even a kiss, just a brief press of lips against lips, so full of intent - which is reasonable seeing as they are right out in the open. He hesitates for a second. “Can I come with you?”

Callum widens his eyes. It’s a simple request and Callum wouldn’t think twice about it if it isn’t for the way Maxi’s eyes are darker than before and he’s staring at Callum with such hunger Callum feels his knees going a bit weak.

“What about Mick?” The question slips past his lips when he’s not paying attention, too occupied by trying to keep himself upright.

Maxi furrows his brows. “What about Mick?” He repeats as if he has no clue what Callum’s on about.

Callum just shakes his head, realising what he’s asked. If he had any doubts before, Maxi’s reaction was enough to convince him there was nothing to talk about between him and Mick. “Nevermind.”

But if he wasn’t sure what it is Maxi wants from him, he isn’t anymore. There’s no mistaking the way he presses Callum back into the door with his whole body, pins him in place and licks his way down Callum’s neck to his collarbone.

“Come on,” Callum gasps, kisses Maxi again before pulling away, “bed.”

Maxi makes a protesting sound, unwilling to let Callum go for a second but then he nods and steps back, pulls Callum with him.

“I want…” Callum stops, unsure how to put his thoughts into words. He knows what he wants. Well, actually he wants so much, he’d never be able to do it all in one day. But in this moment there’s one thing he wants more than anything else. “Can I?” His fingers tug at Maxi’s belt and Maxi nods, helps Callum undo his jeans and tug them down his thighs. Then he sits down on Callum’s bed, looks up at him with a smirk which means he knows what he’s doing to Callum.

Callum leans down to kiss him again, his hand sliding up the front of Maxi’s T-shirt and then back down where he wraps his fingers around Maxi’s erection. Maxi’s not fully-hard yet but Callum works out a way to get him there quickly, somehow manages to find out what makes Maxi gasp and then he’s breaking the kiss and sinking to his knees. Maxi makes a surprised sound above him but doesn’t stop him.

Callum looks up at Maxi to find the German watching him intently. He looks like he wasn’t expecting Callum to be this bold but is more than happy to be proved wrong. He notices the uncertain look in Callum’s eyes and smiles at him reassuringly, his fingers coming up to stroke across Callum’s cheek and that’s all the encouragement Callum needs as he leans down and circles his tongue around the tip of Maxi’s cock.

He probably should be more careful about this, he’s never done this before, has never wanted to, but he can’t be bothered to wait. Besides, he isn’t sure how much time they have before someone starts wondering where Maxi’s disappeared off to on his birthday. Callum would hate to be interrupted, he wants to make Maxi come, he wants it to be good.

So he wraps his lips around Maxi’s cock and sinks down, slowly, trying to see how much he can take. Maxi makes a broken sound above him and Callum glances up through his eyelashes to see Maxi staring at him in wonder, his mouth open and his cheeks red. He’s so beautiful like this and it’s Callum who’s getting him all flustered.

Callum finds a rhythm, his hand slipping down to squeeze his own cock, his trousers still open from when Maxi undid them earlier. It doesn’t take long until Maxi’s moans grow more urgent, his fingers tangling in Callum’s hair, and Callum can’t help wondering how long it’s been since the last time someone did this for him.

Maxi tugs at his hair and Callum pulls off, his hand speeding up on Maxi’s cock until the German comes with a low moan, hips bucking. He laughs breathlessly, strokes his fingers through Callum’s hair tenderly. “You’re amazing,” he says.

Callum gets the impression Maxi doesn’t mean just the blowjob but before he can ask about it Maxi’s phone rings in his jeans and Callum hands it to him without thinking. Maxi glances at the screen, then at Callum with a conflicted expression, before picking up. “Servus.”

He sends Callum an apologetic look and Callum mouths ‘it’s okay’ even though his cock is throbbing and all he wants is to come.

Maxi seems to hesitate for a second, before answering to whatever someone has told him. “Ja, okay. Bin gleich da.” He pulls his jeans up and shoves the phone into one of the pockets. “Callum, I…” He bites his lip, shaking his head. He finally settles for “the guys are wondering where I am.”

Callum nods. “It’s cool. Really.” He adds when he sees the look on Maxi’s face.

Maxi nods, hesitates once more with his hand on the doorknob, mouth open as if he wanted to say something. Then he just shakes his head and leaves with a short “see you.”

The door barely closes before Callum has his hand in his own underwear, fingers slick with Maxi’s cum as he brings himself off, still on his knees, face shoved into the mattress to muffle his moans and maybe to hide whatever wetness could make its way past his tightly shut lids.

 

***

 

Callum hasn’t been able to stop think about it. Or maybe rather overthinking it. He can vividly recall Maxi grabbing his hips and pushing him back into the wall and Maxi’s tongue in his mouth and Maxi’s hard-on against his own through the four layers of fabric and the sounds Maxi made, the way he looked when he came.

They pretend it didn’t happen. Until Callum corners Maxi after the next race and somehow the next thing they know is they’re in Callum’s hotel room, hands down each other’s pants and he still has no idea what’s going on or who’s started it or why the fuck it’s happening at all! He finds it doesn’t really matter anyway.

After that second time they just sort of keep doing it. It doesn’t mean anything. It’s not even for fun. It’s just a nice way to get rid of all the frustration after a bad race or the anger when things just don’t work out the way you wanted or the stress _before_ the race or even before the qualifying or… Callum realises very quickly that these are all great excuses but that’s all they are - excuses. Okay, so they have sex. A lot. And it’s good.  End of topic.

 

***

 

“You look at him the same way he looks at Mick," Charles says offhandedly one day, after the season has already ended and Callum still finds himself staring at Charles’s shirt with envy because it hasn’t sunk in yet that it looks exactly the same as the one he's now wearing himself.

“What?” Callum tries to laugh it off, to tell Charles he’s wrong. Charles just sighs, looking around but the hotel corridor is empty save for the two of them. It’s already past midnight and they’re on the highest floor, it’s not very likely they’re going to stumble into anyone.

Callum’s first reaction when Charles kisses him is to push him off with a hushed “What the fuck?” because he doesn’t want people coming out of their rooms to see what all the noise is about. Charles just shakes his head, his hands strong on Callum’s hips, and pulls Callum in for another kiss. Callum kisses back and it actually feels so good it takes him by surprise. Charles is a great kisser and he seems to instinctively know where to look for Callum’s most sensitive spots to make him gasp against Charles’s mouth, clutch at his shoulders.

But none of this change all the small details which are throwing Callum off balance. Like how Charles is still missing a couple of inches in height or how his kisses are a bit too precise, too _ideal_ almost - Callum’s used to something messier that feels much more dirty than it actually is or maybe to soft, slow kisses that still make his head spin and his knees buckle. Charles doesn’t grab Callum’s arse or grind their hips together or push Callum against the wall and shove his thigh in between Callum’s.

Callum’s panting when he pushes at Charles’s shoulders to get him to back off a bit, give Callum room to breathe. Charles’s arms are around him and Callum’s grateful for that. He isn’t sure he could stand straight on his own in the moment because of all the feelings suddenly flooding his chest when the realisation _finally_ hits him. It’s taken him ages and now it’s too late - maybe it’s always been too late but the thought makes him feel even more miserable.

“Come on.”

The next moments are a blur for Callum. Charles gets him to his room, makes him lie down on the big bed and then cuddles up to him, whispering something completely meaningless but just the sound of his voice, just the knowledge that he’s not alone, makes Callum feel a bit calmer.

He doesn’t know what pushes him to straddle Charles’s thighs and kiss him. He makes it wet and clumsy - just the way he’s usually kissed - but it still doesn’t feel quite right.

Charles is watching him with something resembling pity but Callum refuses to notice. He’s upset and he wants to stop thinking just for a moment.

“Can we fuck?”

Charles widens his eyes but then nods slowly. After that Callum doesn’t hold back. Charles lets him do what he wants and that’s wrong too, it should be Callum being pushed into the mattress, hips moving, trying to find something to rut against. It should be Callum being held down, squirming helplessly, even though he doesn’t _really_ want to break free. Charles is surprisingly good at this, he can find all the right spots and little tricks to make Callum lose control just like that. But it’s still weird.

Charles is kind enough not to mention that the name Callum was gasping as he came wasn’t his.

 

***

 

Macau is just a new level of shit. Callum’s feeling miserable. He knows this was his last race in F3 and that he was _this_ close to winning. Then there’s the fact that it’s the last time the four of them are teammates. All that is making him very emotional in so many different ways.

So it’s understandable that he can do stupid shit. Especially when he feels wet and open, Maxi’s cum dripping out of him onto the sheets and his thighs, but the warm weight of Maxi’s arm on Callum’s stomach is gone from where it was just seconds ago as Maxi moves to get dressed, and Callum just doesn’t give a fuck anymore.

“Is it bad that I’m falling for you?”

Maxi freezes, still perched on the edge of the bed, Callum can see the muscles in his back go all stiff; it looks like he’s not even breathing anymore.

“Callum, I-”

“I know.” Callum laughs, the sound a bit wet and hysterical but he’s forgotten how to keep his cool as he runs his hands down his own face. “I fucking know, okay? It’s… it’s fine.” It really isn’t. But Callum is never going to say it out loud.

Maxi’s wonderful. He’s funny and smart and so fucking nice and charming in that slightly awkward way of his. How can anyone not be in love with him at least a little bit? The thing is, Callum doesn’t want to be let down gently. He doesn’t want Maxi to be walking on eggshells whenever Callum’s anywhere near him. He doesn’t want Maxi to act like Callum could break any second.

Maxi hesitates for a second, his eyes fixed on Callum’s face. Then he sighs and nods with a sad smile - _apologetic_ \- as he gets up and pulls his clothes on hastily.

Callum buries himself in the sheets that still smell of Maxi and hides his head in the pillow next to his. He doesn’t even try to pretend he’s not going to cry himself to sleep later because he’s tired of everything and he just wants to go back to the beginning of this season when everything was still good and he had plans for winning the championship and wasn’t hopelessly in love with his teammate. His _ex_ -teammate...

 

***

 

Callum is surprised to see Maxi in Abu Dhabi but apparently Maxi is surprised to be there so it’s all cool. Except Callum thought he wouldn’t have to see him for a very long time if ever and now he’s standing on his own balcony, Maxi beside him. Callum didn’t have the heart to turn him down when Maxi said he wanted to talk. He isn’t a jerk and Maxi still means something to him. Besides, it’s the smart thing to do - behave like an adult and talk this out instead of mulling it over in his head for the rest of his life.

Still, it doesn’t mean it’s going to be pleasant. Callum doesn’t _want_ to talk about it, he just knows that he should but they’re two completely different things.

“About what you said in Macau…”

Callum closes his eyes and shakes his head. “Don’t. It was stupid.”

Maxi bites his lip, his eyes fixed on the Abu Dhabi skyline in front of them. “But you meant it,” he says quietly.

Callum sighs. He could deny it but first of all it’s pretty obvious and second of all Maxi knows Callum wouldn’t say something like that unless he meant it. Besides, he doesn’t really _want_ to take it back. It’s true. And they’re not teammates anymore, they won’t see each other a lot if at all. There’s nothing to hurt - no friendship and certainly not a relationship. The thought burns, yes, but Callum’s had a long time to get used to it. “I did.” He furrows his brows. “I _do_.” Because what the hell, he’s got nothing more to lose.

Maxi tenses up beside him and then there are fingers around Callum’s wrist as Maxi pulls him back inside. “I…” He breaks off, running his fingers through his hair, cheeks pink. “There’s nothing I can say that wouldn’t hurt you,” he says finally.

Callum chuckles humorlessly. “Don’t bother, it’s fine.”

“No, it’s not,” Maxi protests even before Callum has finished speaking. “ _I’m_ not fine with breaking your heart and I can’t even do anything about it!”

He looks more upset than Callum has ever seen him. Maxi’s the kind of guy who wants to feel in control. He doesn’t believe in fate or in things working out if you wish them to. He believes in working your arse off to get what you want and in doing everything yourself instead of sitting around waiting for your luck to turn. So whenever something happens which he can’t fix, can’t prevent, it throws him off balance. But never quite like this. Each time he’s been able to accept it and move on, because that’s part of life too, you can’t always win. But now… Now Callum gets the impression Maxi’s about to break down in front of him and this is something he’s ever thought he’d witness.

“Maxi…” He grabs Maxi’s wrist and is surprised when Maxi just stops completely and stares at him for a long while. The words die on Callum’s tongue because Maxi’s stare is more intense than ever before and Callum isn’t sure what to make of it.

“I’m sorry,” Maxi whispers and before Callum can realise what’s going on he’s being pulled forward, into Maxi’s chest, as Maxi’s arms wrap around him and Maxi’s lips on his feel better than he remembered. He’s missed this. He’s somehow managed to forget how it feels to have Maxi wrapped up around him like this. It’s nothing, really, just a kiss, pretty chaste for them at that. But there’s something in it that makes Callum feel like he could burst into tears or maybe fall to his knees and beg Maxi to stay.

“I’m so, so sorry…” Maxi carries on apologising when he breaks the kiss, but he doesn’t pull away, his lips sliding down Callum’s cheek to his neck. “I shouldn’t… But you’re just…” He laughs sadly, his teeth scraping the skin of Callum’s collarbone as his hands work on getting Callum’s trousers undone.

Callum wants to ask Maxi what’s happening because he feels lost and he has no clue where this is going any longer. Maxi knows how Callum feels about him and he’s said himself that he has to break Callum’s heart and yet he’s kissing Callum like he’d die if his lips left Callum’s skin for more than one second and he’s undressing Callum and it just doesn’t make sense. None of this makes any sense!

“Tell me to stop,” Maxi asks him, his hands firm on Callum’s hips and Callum’s thankful for that because his knees feel weak.

Callum shakes his head. “Never.”

And then Maxi’s lips are on his again. “This is insane,” he whispers as he pulls Callum’s T-shirt up over his head and then his hands are sliding up and down Calum’s torso, slowly, like Maxi’s trying to burn every inch of Callum’s body into his memory.

When they fuck that day it’s slow and gentle. Actually, Callum isn’t sure he should even call it fucking. It’s more like making love but Callum can’t think about it without bursting into tears so he just sticks to what feels more impersonal, more meaningless. But it isn’t. Maxi puts his whole heart into this, as if he wants to show Callum exactly how it feels because he doesn’t trust himself to put it into words.

Afterwards Callum waits for him to get up and start getting dressed, chest full of dread because he’s not ready to lose Maxi yet. Not again - it’s too soon. He’ll never be ready to lose Maxi though, so what difference does it make? But Maxi just cuddles closer to him, tightens his grip on Callum’s waist and buries his face in Callum’s shoulder.

“I’m in love with you too, you know?” He confesses after a moment, once their breathing has gone back to normal and their minds aren’t all fuzzy from their orgasms.

Callum shakes his head because he doesn’t know. He kind of suspected, with how loving and gentle Maxi was with him, but he couldn’t be sure until he heard it. He was prepared to think it was just his mind playing tricks on him and he didn’t want to get his hopes up just to be rejected.

“Then why…?” There are so many ways Callum could finish this sentence.

_Why have you never said anything?_

_Why did you let me think you weren't?_

_Why did you say you have to hurt me?_

_Why are you still so fucking sad?_

Maxi sighs, props himself up on one arm so that he can look down at Callum, the other wrapped possessively around Callum’s waist. “We can’t. You know we can’t.”

Callum closes his eyes and turns his head to look at the door, away from Maxi.

“I want to,” Maxi continues, his fingers running down Callum’s chest and stomach, gentle and knowing, “so much.” Maxi kisses Callum’s cheek and then coaxes Callum to look at him with a warm hand on the side of his face. “But we _can’t_. That’s why I didn’t say anything. I thought it’d be better if you believed I didn’t love you.”

Callum considers his words for a moment. Maxi’s eyes are a bit moist and so full of regret and Callum wants it to go away. This isn’t his Maxi. His Maxi would never give up so easily.

Except he’s right. There is no way they could make it work. It was bad when they were fighting for the title but being in different teams, in different _categories_ , wouldn’t be any easier.

“What if you’re in F2? We’d see each other a lot.”

Okay, so maybe ‘a lot’ isn’t quite correct. They’d see each other every several weeks, more often if they made the effort and met up somewhere else. But it’d be difficult, what with them living in different countries with no obvious reason to visit each other.

“Okay, fine,” Callum says because if Maxi doesn’t stop looking at him like this Callum is going to start crying. “But it’s not fair.”

Maxi sighs again, nuzzles his nose against the side of Callum’s neck. “I know,” he says. “But we’re still friends, yeah?”

Callum nods. Their fingers are intertwined on Callum’s stomach and Maxi’s lips are pressed against Callum’s skin and Maxi has just come inside him mere moments ago and Callum knows they’re both thinking the same thing.

Being friends will never be quite enough.

**Author's Note:**

> I took some artistic license - the fight between Callum and Mazepin was in 2016.


End file.
